At long last... :)

wow.. After a very loooong, tiringgggg day... At long last, my documents are now okay and I am now a BA Sociology student! Yay!

So I must be sad because I wasn't reconsidered for the BS Economics degree, but to tell you the truth, I am not. I don't know. Maybe I really liked BA Sociology more that BS Economics subconsciously.

And my parents are okay with that! And it's my mom's birthday today. Love you. :)

But still, I just can't let go of my interest in economics. I am thinking of maybe minoring in econ if ever. What do you think?

Wish me luck!

And yes, the enrollment is already on Tuesday. And I am in a new college, the College of Social Science and Philosophy! I know things would be really different. But I hope things would turn out great.

New year. New course. New subjects to take. New friends to meet. More friends to catch up with. Have a good year ahead to all! :)

Anxiety has eaten my day.. come and sing along!

Yes. Today's the day. But I still have no Math grades on the palm of my hand. I still have to wait almost an hour and a half more to see what I've earned. Damn, I saw the result of my 4th long exam this morning and it was terrible! I failed... I only got 40%. I hate it. My dream for a 1.25 or 1.5 has slipped away that fast. But I still have to hope for the better.

So the Student Disciplinary Tribunal was closed when I came by the office a few hours ago. And it's from them that the last signature for my clearance is needed. Where are they? I need to see them.

And after that, is stopped at the School of Economics. I saw another list of accepted applicants. And yes, I did not hope for more, my name wasn't there. I asked the kind ate in the office of the College Secretary if they could still accept my summer grade. And she refused. I was close to tears! She told me to talk to the Undergrad Committee head about my appeal for reconsideration. And so, I need to talk to her later this afternoon.


I am so anxious. Yes, anxiety hasn't left me yet. And I didn't get to finish my lunch because of that feeling in my stomach. I feel so uneasy and antsy. I want to scream and cry because I feel so frustrated. God help me.

I hope the Ma'am Kraft (the Undergrad Committee head) would reconsider my appeal. Deals and compromises are running inside my head for pleas. I hope she isn't as stern as her name sounds. I hope she would give me a chance. I hope she would accept me. Oh my gosh. Just the thought of facing her is giving me chills.

Oh God, I pray again to you. Please don't leave me. Please help me. Please do not forsake me. Please allow me to pursue my dream. Please Lord, help me...

I finally got hold of the lyrics of this Sarah McLachlan song. The lyrics follow. Press play to listen. This is what I feel at the moment...

Heaven bent to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight

Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
The lonely light of morning
The wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
That I have held so dear.

I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

Heaven bent to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turned their heads embarassed
Pretend that they don't see
But it's one missed step
You'll slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

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Defying, or Submitting to, Gravity?

If it wasn't for the anxiety that's nagging inside my head, I would have a good summer.

I would be returning to school tomorrow. I need to get my papers done, signed and ready to be passed to my future new college. And the problem is, where or what is that future new college? God help me, anxiety is eating me.

So I have been spared from being a roadkill. I didn't work hard to become a nonmajor, you know? So bitter. Sorry. But yes, I would become really frustrated if I would just be floating around for a semester. Thank you for BA Sociology, I am no longer bound for futurelessness. Yes, I do like the course, but I like BS Economics better. But I still don't know if they would accept me. *bawl*

I am so uneasy. I am still waiting for my Math100 final grade, which is to be uploaded into the y!group of our class. Our prof promised to do it this afternoon, and until now, it is nowhere! Gesh.. I am so anxious. This would determine if my Econ dream would be pursued or would be forgotten. And I'd rather do the former.

My good friend, Titit, is now a Journ major! Yey! Congratulations! Our prayers worked. Thank God! I hope God won't forsake me too.

Waaaaa.. I am no longer a freshman. And that adds to the pressure that there's a new batch of bright minds waiting to be harnessed. I am now of the upperclassmen, and that's not a plus if you ask me. That puts more tension in me that's kind of an I-am-older-so-I-know-better attitude. Maybe it's really psychological, and it's not really relevant. But really, when you are anxious, you get paranoid too.

I don't know what to do. I have an intuition that I would be accepted in Econ, but I couldn't trust that gut feeling. Maybe I am just carried away by my illusions and dreams. But really, I need to be optimistic to survive this. I just couldn't dwell on my failures. Life goes on, and I need to make the best out of what I have. I know this is just a challenge, a big challenge to be more specific. And I want to, no I need to, get over this. I am going to be alright. Everything's going to be okay. God wouldn't leave me. He loves me and He got the best plan for my life. I am putting my trust in Him.

But still, I couldn't help but feel really down and alone. My uneasiness is climbing up my head. My chest feels heavy and my mind feels cluttered. I do not really hear the television in the background. I do not really see the letters I am typing. All I see is a figment of my imagination, wandering into the events that might and might not happen tomorrow. I need to see all possibilities. And I need to be prepared to face them. God help me.

Should there be anything unexpected that happens tomorrow, I just hope that I would be able to handle it. I know that God wouldn't leave me. He's my only companion tomorrow, and I couldn't afford to lose trust in Him. He's the only one that I could celebrate or cry with, or maybe still wait with for some other results. I know He wouldn't let me down. And that's all that I could do, to close my eyes and pray, to keep me sane and upbeat.

So tomorrow's the day, or maybe one of the days. I don't know. The anticipation of a very good news, or the fear of a terrible challenge to face? I don't know. *sigh*

I really don't know.

month of May(be)

I don't know if I'm going to believe in my memories anymore. It must be paranoia, a really bad case of paranoia. I like him a lot. And he was really nice to me. But now, everything's trash.

Whenever I remember those times that we were together, laughing out loud, telling stories, walking together... I couldn't help but smile. Those were the days. Those days used to be the best. He used to be the best. But now, there's that nagging feeling inside of me that I was just crazy. Crazy and paranoid. Crazy, paranoid and assuming. Maybe I expected too much. Maybe he was just really friendly and nice and congenial to everybody as he was to me. But when I think back, there were moments when he was really nice to me and to me especially. We were usually in a group and it's easy to spot that he wasn't doing the same thing to the others. Or am I just observing too much?

I don't know. He's different. And that's some statement that I couldn't even prove. He is a regular guy who eats a lot, laughs a lot, and strolls around a lot. But he's got that something in him that I couldn't exactly point out that's making him different. Maybe because he's smarter or nicer or funnier or simpler. I don't know.

I should be getting over this infatuation right now. But when I remember those memories... heck! I lose ground. I don't even know if I would ever see him again. I don't know if our schedules would permit us to bump into each other once in a while. And I don't know if things would be the same if ever we meet somewhere. Would he wave at me? Would he ignore me? Would he wear the same smile? Would he even notice my existence? I don't know. And I don't want to expect anything from him anymore.

This is just a phase. This. Is. Just. A. Phase. I would eventually get over him. There would be someone somewhere out there. But I still couldn't erase the what-if's. And I don't want to mention those what-if's because they are making my eyes water. I just don't want to add this nonsense to the stress that I am feeling at the moment. But it's inevitable. A new academic year is just around the corner, and I don't know if he would be there on my peripheral vision. Of course there are ways for me to contact him, but I don't want to push myself into him. I have no reason to talk to him, or at least I don't want him to know my reason. Also, during the last day of our class, I told him to keep in touch and he jokingly answered that he doesn't want to. And I guess he really isn't the remembering type. Then let him.

He may be nice and smart and amazing. But maybe he isn't for me. Maybe there would be someone nicer, smarter, and more amazing that would come. But maybe I would still continue hoping that he would notice me. Maybe I'll give up. Or maybe not. But really, I don't know. God only knows.

Flowers of May

I saw the Santacruzan this morning. And it was rather a lonely bunch of girls and boys in gowns and suits. It was different this year than the previous celebrations, and I couldn't quite figure out why.

I never became one of those queens. Other kids of my age (and also those who are not) are really dying to dress up, wear crowns, and parade around our town. And I have always preferred to stay in the audience, watching them sweat and complain about their aching feet.

It was really awkward to watch the procession this morning. I didn't know almost half of the people there. Some of the usual (prettier) queens were nowhere in sight, to be replaced by others whom I think are not from our town. It was quite funny that the spectators couldn't wave at them because they didn't know them. And those strangers didn't even bother to smile at the people. Who are they, anyway?

I extend my congratulations to those Sagalas because the sky have remained kind to them and made the sun shone. But still, the heat was reaching extreme levels that some of the little kids who were in the parade didn't make it to the end. They went home in tantrums in the middle of it all, carried by their mothers. They would've been so cute, if it wasn't for their pouting lips and pale faces.

Reserve the glory for the popular girls (of my age) who were extremely congenial during the procession. In spite of the heat and pain that they were suffering from, they continued to smile and remained calm as if there wasn't anything more fun than walking that moment. I admired their gowns, anyway. The colors were awesome and the styles were great.

Let them do the glory and the pain in parading their beauties. I still prefer to watch them in my shirt, pants and chucks, than to join them. Not that I'm bitter or envious; in fact, I was thrilled to watch them. They were a very colorful bunch! But I wouldn't be able to last the parade if I was in their place. With my flat feet that make me trip even in smooth surfaces, I'd rather walk barefoot than to be in inches high heels.

Well, the Santacruzan was over. We'll have to wait another year to watch another batch of it. I wonder who would be the next Reyna Elena. Sana artista! Haha! :)

this is me.

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

burp!

It is raining outside. What a good break from a very warm summer day!

My stomach is aching. Maybe because it was used with my 2-meals-a-day habit for 20+ days during the summer term. And now, I have been eating waaay much more than that. Wooosh. Let's just hope that my pants would still fit next week when I come back to school to get my papers done. :)

Finally! The PC is fixed! After almost 2 weeks of hibernation because of some connection problem between the monitor and the CPU, it is finally okay. Thanks to our kind neighbor who went through the trouble of testing our videocard for faults, all for free! Thanks Kuya Ryan!

But though my summer vacation is all relaxation, I still couldn't relax my mind with all the pressure and stress of thinking about my shifting. Whoa. Now, my stomach's churning again. I don't know if this has got to do with my anxiety, but maybe.

Golly. I sent an email to my math professor, asking for an earlier release of my grade, or at least, a certification of my class standing. And I hope he would consider my request. Because if I wouldn't be able to submit my grade to the School of Economics, (Heaven forbid!) they might not accept it anymore. And I might just bawl my heart out right then and there, and risk my dignity until they pay me some mercy and decide to accept me. Or they could just accept it and accept me, so they could avoid those drastic measures of mine.

I feel uneasy. My stomach's aching due to some reason I couldn't exactly point out. Maybe I have eaten something bad. Maybe due to the cold that crept up my feet. Maybe because to sudden changes in my eating habits. Or...

Maybe I have just eaten more stress than food lately.

Eat stress for breakfast! No way. I'm already overfed.

movie galore!

hello, summer!

Summer classes are officially over! Thank you very much.

After 20+ days of thorough mathematics (calculus) dosage in my body, I am finally free to rehabilitate myself! I had my final exam this morning, and though I wasn't really confident with my performance, I am happy nonetheless. The only thing that keeps me on the edge of my seat is the final grade that I would get after all of these. I hope it would be the savior of my embarrassing Math17 grade, so as for the School of Economics to reconsider me for admission. Wish me luck! Keep your fingers crossed for me. And I'll also do so for you, whatever your endeavors are at the moment.

More than a week of vacation... Wow. I miss being lazy. Haha!

But really, after those days of intellectual pressure which makes me really tired and hungry though I was not really moving strenuously. All I did was listen, write, solve, and really think. But it stressed me out!


But I still have papers to be signed for my shifting. Hooray, I was accepted to BA Sociology! I am no longer doomed into nonmajor-ism. But though I am now free to accept my admission, I still want to transfer to BS Economics. "Heavens, please have mercy!!!"

Haaaay... I still got more things to worry about. But please let me savor this sweet moment of relaxation that I really missed.

This is my summer vacation. And as it is beginning to unfold for me, maybe it is already closing for you. Poor me. But really, this escape from school is so sweet.

Back to my lazy, sedentary mode. I miss it. :)

Heavens, have mercy on this poor soul...

The partial list of accepted applicants for BS Economics is out now. And i must still wait until the end of summer to submit my grades for Math 100. I hope this would be enough to improve my GWA.

I am so anxious. I really like to get in to this degree.

I need to.

I dream of being one of those BS Econ students.

*sigh*
I am giving my full trust to the Lord. I know He has the best plan for me.

summer, hello?

So I thought I have shook hands with mathematics and have started a good friendship with it at the beginning of the summer. But I am oh-so-wrong! Now that those trigonometric functions are on the roll, I must have a conference with Louis Leithold tonight, tomorrow night, and the following days until the finals. Great.

And my professor isn't here until tomorrow because of a conference in Bohol, so a substitute teacher would be filling in for him. And hey, his pacing was like of a roadrunner's. He was almost through with the coverage of our 4th long exam in just one meeting. And we still have until tomorrow. We almost have no time to breathe.

I overheard a conversation of my classmates behind me during the class. It was somewhat like this:
Sir: Dapat wala na kayong problema dito. (points to the oh-so-complicated notation on the blackboard)
Class: ----
Classmate: (whispers to his seatmate) Sir, guess what? We have!

Hahaha. And I agreed with him silently.

And another news. The results of our online enlistment is officially out! Ask me how it went...

It was such a horrible sight. I only managed to scoot into 2 subjects, for a total of only 6 units! And of course, to make matters worse, there is no second run to the enlistment. Hell would be the days of enrollment! My summer registration was really bad (really bad) and to have another of it this coming semester is a nightmare.

Results of my application for another degree wouldn't be released until the end of the month. I am so anxious. Sana matanggap ako. Please pray for me.

*sigh*
Summer is supposed to be fun, right?

My Heart - Paramore

My Heart
Paramore

I am finding out that maybe I was wrong
That I've fallen down and I can't do this alone

Stay with me, this is what I need, please?
Sing us a song and we'll sing it back to you

We could sing our own but what would it be without you?
I am nothing now and it's been so long

Since I've heard the sound, the sound of my only hope
This time I will be listening.

Sing us a song and we'll sing it back to you
We could sing our own but what would it be without you?

This heart, it beats, beats for only you
This heart, it beats, beats for only you
This heart, it beats, beats for only you

My heart is yours
This heart, it beats, beats for only you
My heart is yours
(My heart, it beats for you)
This heart, it beats, beats for only you
(It beats, beats for only you. My heart is yours)
My heart, my heart is yours
(Please don't go now, Please don't fade away)
My heart, my heart is yours
(Please don't go now, Please don't fade away)
My heart is yours
My heart is yours
(Please don't go now, Please don't fade away)
My heart is yours
My heart is...

"this heart, it beats, beats for only you.." -- Paramore

i can't believe this. i miss him, and there is absolutely no way for me to see him. and i don't even know if i'm going to see him ever again.

maybe i'll get over him soon. but how soon is soon?

sarbey survey

Name thirteen songs from your head and answer the following questions:

1. Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol
2. Feels like Home by Chantal Kreviazuk
3. Shiver by Natalie Imbruglia
4. I Miss You by Blink 182
5. If You're Gone by Matchbox 20
6. Burnout by Sugarfree
7. Hopelessly Addicted by The Corrs
8. If You're Not the One by Daniel Bedingfield
9. The Night that the Light Went Out in NYC by The Ataris
10. Best I Ever Had by Vertical Horizon
11. When I Look to the Sky by Train
12. Ocean Avenue by Yellowcard
13. I Need to be Next to You by Leigh Nash

---

Who do you remember when you hear Number 4?
I wouldn't say his name... *wink*

Does Number 8 make you happy?
Happy kind of sad. yeah.

Has Number 3 made you cry?
No. But I like it a lot that it makes me go sentimental.

In what occasion did you hear Number 9?
Just a few moments ago when I opened my Multiply account. It was playing on my homepage.

Do you miss Number 10?
Yes. I haven't heard it for quite some time now.

Which lyrics do you like the best from Number 1?
"Those three words / Are said too much / They're not enough..."
"If I lay here / If I just lay here / Would you lie with me and just forget the world?"

Do you imagine something when you hear Number 2?
The scene from How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days when this song was played in the background.

Who do you remember when you hear Number 6?
Someone from my early teenage years. *It makes me laugh now that I remember him. haha

When was the last time you heard Number 11?
I couldn't remember, so I guess that was a long time ago.

Who told you about Number 8?
No one, actually. It caused quite a craze in my early high school days so I guess the trend got the me listening to it. And loved it!

Do you often sing Number 11?
Not much.

Have you sung Number 7 to anyone?
I sang it to myself last night, but I haven't sang it to anybody else. I was thinking of a person, but obviously, he couldn't hear me sing. haha!

Does Number 10 inspire your life?
Quite.

Does Number 5 tell about your feelings?
haha! you guess.

What do you feel when you hear Number 2?
sentimental.

Do you smile when you hear Number 11?
uhm...

When was the first time you heard Number 1?
When I accidentally downloaded it from LimeWire. Good accident, actually.

If you could dedicate Number 9 to someone, who would it be?
To someone! guess who. haha!

Does Number 7 mean a lot to you?
Not much.

What’s so special about Number 10?
It's bringing me back to memory lane. haha

Would you sing Number 11 to anyone? To who?
To someone if there's someone.

Does Number 8 remind you of someone?
"hehe" is all that I could say.

What memory comes to your mind when you hear Number 5?
When I first saw its music video. They were on a rooftop. And the vid was in black and white.

Do you want to hear Number 12 right now?
Yes? Ok, yes. I am kind of reminiscing in an altrock way.

Can you remember clearly the first time you heard Number 13?
Not "clearly". But I remember that I first heard (seen) it on MTV a few years back. It became my favorite song.