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I want to watch Wall-E!
My heart shouts Wall-E, Wall-E, Wall-E! (haha, tama na. corny na.)
Bottle up your smile
And pour it in a cup
Yeah, I'll be on my way
Once I've sobered up.
- Maria Mena, "Nevermind Me"
Taken from the Marina Suites roofdeck
The seismic waves-like days are here again. And the bad thing is, they are just in my head. Things are okay, and sometimes, more than okay. But I complicate them all. I just can't relax. Agit ako palagi, peste. I just want to rush things but I am afraid to let the present end. The anxiety about the uncertainty of the future is getting in my nerves; too bad they are doing everything but sedate me.
My friends tell me to just go with the flow, and I do follow their advice. But for how long will I do this? I am clueless (okay, I am not clueless but I am just... uhm... semi-clueless?) about what's really happening and I want to find out what is happening. I shall know. I know it sounds like I want to be omniscient or something, but yes, I shall know.
Why can't I just be content with what's here and now? My theory is, I don't like the feeling of being not in control of the situation, or rather, with situations turning out of control (not of my control per se, but just them turning out of total control of anyone, especially myself). And yes, it's the politics of me and this other person that's killing me, the power relations, the unequal share of authority. Too much Socio 127 and PolSc 14 I guess, but yes. Or not, maybe the other person shouldn't be dragged into this. It's just me and my crazy head that's in battle. The other person is just very much outside the perimeters of this struggle. He can just very well watch me and not know he is watching some fight.
I should be happy, but if I want to be, I should choose to be. But I complicate things, and I mess things up, and things are just everything okay and not. Ang labo ko lang.
This ain't a movie, no
No fairy tale conclusion, ya'll
It gets more confusing everyday
Sometimes it's heaven sent
Then we head back to hell again.
- John Legend, "Ordinary People"
