month of May(be)

I don't know if I'm going to believe in my memories anymore. It must be paranoia, a really bad case of paranoia. I like him a lot. And he was really nice to me. But now, everything's trash.

Whenever I remember those times that we were together, laughing out loud, telling stories, walking together... I couldn't help but smile. Those were the days. Those days used to be the best. He used to be the best. But now, there's that nagging feeling inside of me that I was just crazy. Crazy and paranoid. Crazy, paranoid and assuming. Maybe I expected too much. Maybe he was just really friendly and nice and congenial to everybody as he was to me. But when I think back, there were moments when he was really nice to me and to me especially. We were usually in a group and it's easy to spot that he wasn't doing the same thing to the others. Or am I just observing too much?

I don't know. He's different. And that's some statement that I couldn't even prove. He is a regular guy who eats a lot, laughs a lot, and strolls around a lot. But he's got that something in him that I couldn't exactly point out that's making him different. Maybe because he's smarter or nicer or funnier or simpler. I don't know.

I should be getting over this infatuation right now. But when I remember those memories... heck! I lose ground. I don't even know if I would ever see him again. I don't know if our schedules would permit us to bump into each other once in a while. And I don't know if things would be the same if ever we meet somewhere. Would he wave at me? Would he ignore me? Would he wear the same smile? Would he even notice my existence? I don't know. And I don't want to expect anything from him anymore.

This is just a phase. This. Is. Just. A. Phase. I would eventually get over him. There would be someone somewhere out there. But I still couldn't erase the what-if's. And I don't want to mention those what-if's because they are making my eyes water. I just don't want to add this nonsense to the stress that I am feeling at the moment. But it's inevitable. A new academic year is just around the corner, and I don't know if he would be there on my peripheral vision. Of course there are ways for me to contact him, but I don't want to push myself into him. I have no reason to talk to him, or at least I don't want him to know my reason. Also, during the last day of our class, I told him to keep in touch and he jokingly answered that he doesn't want to. And I guess he really isn't the remembering type. Then let him.

He may be nice and smart and amazing. But maybe he isn't for me. Maybe there would be someone nicer, smarter, and more amazing that would come. But maybe I would still continue hoping that he would notice me. Maybe I'll give up. Or maybe not. But really, I don't know. God only knows.