Shucks. Ano bang nakain ko at pangatlong entry ko na ito today?
Siguro kasi wala akong (masyadong) kailangang gawin. Yey, I love weekends! Or just this weekend, most probably. I just need to read an essay for Socio 114, and an article for Pan Pil 17. But I have no more papers to write! Hooray! My next paper would be due... I don't know. End of the sem?
But I cannot (no matter how I want to) enjoy this weekend fully. I need more tissue! No no no. I am not crying! I have colds (a bad case of cold, to be more precise). It started yesterday. I sneezed a lot the whole day, from the stifled ones (because of classes) to the loud ones (during GA in CRAdLe, sorry guys). Plus, my throat hurts (and itches at the same time, as if I ate shrimps). I have also developed a cough, good thing it isn't in full swing yet. (Hey, I remembered. My dad promised to get me some Decolgen. And he forgot! He's sleeping now. Maybe he'll buy some tomorrow after going to the market. Or maybe I'll drop by the pharmacy after I go to church.)
*sniff* It's really hard to breathe through a single nostril. And I need to take frequent deep breaths through my mouth because I am suffocating myself. (I am so preoccupied with typing. haha) I want to keep this blog alive (I have already killed my LJ) because it's the best I could do to release my constipated ideas and experiences once in a while. And my broken voice and irregular breathing must not stand in the way!
*******************
PBB text-votes results were tampered! I am almost sure of it. Wendy should not be in the Big 4! She is so b*tchy. So fake. To be fair, I am not an avid viewer of PBB Season 2, but with the episodes that I watched, she's such a... I can't think of an exact word. Basta, she doesn't deserve to be in the Big 4. I hope she gets the lowest number of votes tonight (it's the Big Night!).
Salamat na lang they used really great cars (vintage cars! yeah!) to transport the housemates. Plus, they played some great songs in the background as they were introsucing the Big 4. Some of the songs were Brighter than Sunshine, Chasing Cars, and this I-don't-know-the-title altrock song. Pambawi sa pangit na final line-up ng housemates.
********************
I miss Grey's Anatomy. *sigh* I have missed the past 3 episodes in Studio 23 (sorry, wala kaming cable. poor kami. hehe) I miss it. I wonder if Meredith and Derek got together again. Oh gesh, I already forgot the other characters' names! This is nuts. Am I that preoccupied lately that I have forgot them?
I also miss Survivor. I didn't get to most of watch the latest, the Fiji series. It ended this summer, and I missed the final episodes! I didn't (and still don't) know if Studio 23 did air it the season or not because I couldn't catch it in any timeslot that the show took in the past. And YouTube.com wasn't too updated with the episodes. Waaaah. I miss my all-time favorite show. I just wish I would get to watch its next season in September.
********************
I am so preoccupied with acads lately. Stressful!
Good thing I've got UP CRAdLe as a break from all of those. The org isn't demanding, but as part of the execom, I feel somehow required to attend to the meetings and activities. And I'm glad our president, Kuya Eejay, is really understanding if I couldn't make it to some of our stuff. But the org is great (and is going to keep on getting better, I am positive about that!) with a great advocacy on children's rights. I know we're going to take our own leap. I am optimistic about it!
But oh, most of our members are seniors! And we'll only be short of manpower! I pray that a good number of people would apply this sem (and that the seniors would take an MRR or decide to take an MA or something). Kaya Kuya Vincent, please, sana mag-active ka na sa'min. :)
*********************
I am planning on joining the UP Praxis this sem. Wala pa lang akong balita masyado sa sign-up and all. But if I wouldn't get to join Praxis, I still wouldn't opt to join KMS. I don't know, I just don't feel like I belong to them. Some of my Socio 114 classmates are members of KMS, and I just, I don't know, can't seem to get how they are. Not that I am being judgmental, but really, they just seem 'so not me'.
But maybe, I would change my mind. But not soon, I think.
*********************
I don't know why. But when I have already admitted to myself that I like a guy, I find it hard to remember his face in my head. I would want to think of him but I couldn't see his face. I would just remember a certain get-up of him, say his shirt on one of those times, and I would need to concentrate to remember how his hair looked, his smile, his gestures, just to put them all together like a jigsaw puzzle for me to remember his face. Hassle hassle. But hey, I couldn't just deny to myself (at least to myself) that I like someone, right?
Weird. When I must know a person's face, that's when I forget about it.
But still, I can see him from a distance when we're in the same vicinity. (Thank you for this or else I might just bump into him and not know he's my crush.) Funny how minds play games on the people who own them (or at least, mine's funny in that way).
**********************
I need to stop typing now, because my eyes are starting to water because of my colds. My YM status said "needs more tissue" and a friend asked if I have been crying. Oh well, I am almost crying! Thank you there isn't any other (bad) reason for me to shed tears. But really, I guess some Paracetamol would do the trick. Or maybe not. I guess I badly need some Decolgen or Neozep because they're specialized. Unlike Bioegsic which is too generic, if you ask me.
Wait, the PBB results are here.
Huwaaaat?! Wendy isn't the last placer!? I swear, the results were manipulated in one way or another. I hate PBB now. And I would hate it more (and would swear to never watch it ever again) if Wendy would win.
***********************
I need to stop this entry now. Seriously. I can't believe I wrote about 7 things with about 3 paragraphs each. Partida, masama pa pakiramdam ko nito. Hehe :)
Saturday, June 30, 2007
happens... all the time
Things don't have to make sense all the time. Sometimes, the confusion is the only explanation; that the vagueness is the only thing that you understand.
And sometimes, you just want things to remain unclear, because you are scared of the truth.
:(
And sometimes, you just want things to remain unclear, because you are scared of the truth.
:(
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
some way out...
Please tell me that something's going to happen anytime soon, that is, if you know what that something is all about.
I am sick and tired. Exhausted. Insecure. Every wicked thing. I am keeping track of my progress but I am going nowhere. I need to get over this crisis.
In my years of existence, wew, nothing spectacular has ever happened. I don't think I am growing, but I mean it in a not-so-physical way. I mean in all the other aspects of me. I feel so highschool-ish, feeling all of these insecurities and all. These should have happened then, but they are just happening now. I don't know why. They are just intruding into my reverie and just messing up with my brain. I have found the path I want to take. I have found my strengths. But things are still not going easily. Things are tougher, to be truthful. Things are more complicated. Things are heavier. Things are sadder.
I told myself I'll work harder. And yes, I remain true to my word, I work harder. But not hard enough to get me through things the way I want to. I feel so delinquent, okay not so much. But I feel so inadequate. I am trying to balance my priorities. It's working but not quite well. I don't know what strategy to try, or what kind of time management to use. Maybe I'll figure it out soon. I need to figure it out soon.
The weather's not cooperating. My USB's not cooperating. My professors are not cooperating. I am not cooperating. I am not feeling quite well. It's only God whom I could really trust in times like this. I know he won't let me down.
My friends too! I mean my true friends. I know they're not going to leave me.
I know I can do this, though I still need to figure out how.
PS: I want to write (not another blog entry) but a poem. I miss writing. I should be starting over again.
I am sick and tired. Exhausted. Insecure. Every wicked thing. I am keeping track of my progress but I am going nowhere. I need to get over this crisis.
In my years of existence, wew, nothing spectacular has ever happened. I don't think I am growing, but I mean it in a not-so-physical way. I mean in all the other aspects of me. I feel so highschool-ish, feeling all of these insecurities and all. These should have happened then, but they are just happening now. I don't know why. They are just intruding into my reverie and just messing up with my brain. I have found the path I want to take. I have found my strengths. But things are still not going easily. Things are tougher, to be truthful. Things are more complicated. Things are heavier. Things are sadder.
I told myself I'll work harder. And yes, I remain true to my word, I work harder. But not hard enough to get me through things the way I want to. I feel so delinquent, okay not so much. But I feel so inadequate. I am trying to balance my priorities. It's working but not quite well. I don't know what strategy to try, or what kind of time management to use. Maybe I'll figure it out soon. I need to figure it out soon.
The weather's not cooperating. My USB's not cooperating. My professors are not cooperating. I am not cooperating. I am not feeling quite well. It's only God whom I could really trust in times like this. I know he won't let me down.
My friends too! I mean my true friends. I know they're not going to leave me.
I know I can do this, though I still need to figure out how.
PS: I want to write (not another blog entry) but a poem. I miss writing. I should be starting over again.
*yawn*
So so so stressed.
Papers. Readings. Quizzes. Endless tasks to do.
Thank you for Wednesdays like this. Though I've got a CWTS class, it's no problem. The teacher's okay. But really, I can finally rest! Yey.
But I am still excited for tomorrow. I am going to see someone. Haha. Finally, I've got someone in an MTh class. For a change.
Papers. Readings. Quizzes. Endless tasks to do.
Thank you for Wednesdays like this. Though I've got a CWTS class, it's no problem. The teacher's okay. But really, I can finally rest! Yey.
But I am still excited for tomorrow. I am going to see someone. Haha. Finally, I've got someone in an MTh class. For a change.
Monday, June 25, 2007
send me to the stars!
no way. i am so stressed with so much readings. papers to do, paired with a strict professor. just a good thing i like what i'm doing now.
bad thing is, i am uninspired at the moment. no more distracting faces that pops unexpectedly in my head. no more names to doodle on the margins of my notes. no more him to talk about here in my blog (or at least the same him on my past entries).
several guys have caught my eyes lately. but they're not the kind that i would think about too much like i did before. they are just there. and yeah, i must say they are attractive, but so out of my league.
oh, i just remembered. i think i like a guy on one of my classes. but i'm not sure. he's so nice. i just don't think this feeling will last. it's ephemeral, i knew it. i should keep my feelings on check.
bad thing is, i am uninspired at the moment. no more distracting faces that pops unexpectedly in my head. no more names to doodle on the margins of my notes. no more him to talk about here in my blog (or at least the same him on my past entries).
several guys have caught my eyes lately. but they're not the kind that i would think about too much like i did before. they are just there. and yeah, i must say they are attractive, but so out of my league.
oh, i just remembered. i think i like a guy on one of my classes. but i'm not sure. he's so nice. i just don't think this feeling will last. it's ephemeral, i knew it. i should keep my feelings on check.
Saturday, June 16, 2007
FIERCEt week...
First week back. Powerful, powerful days. There were classes when the teachers didn't appear. Some did, greeted then left. Others attended, went straight to policies and even gave us homeworks! So this pays for being a sophomore student. *sigh*
With 3 majors, 2 GEs, 1 foreign language, 1 PE (at last!), and 1 CWTS, wow, I have 5 days of schooling. But hey, I'm happy for being a Socio major because that has been what I have wanted all along. I'm glad but that happiness isn't enough to make me studious. I remain lazy. haha
** My 114 prof didn't appear for 2 consecutive meetings. I guess he was avoiding the students asking for extra slots.
** My 101, fierce-looking. She looks tough, but she knows how to laugh too, nice.
** My Span10 prof was a genuine Spanish. He was really patient and upbeat all along (and naive too, about the class cards, grading, etc) but that didn't make things better because I couldn't really get a grip at first. Thanks to the Spanish for Beginners book that I bought. And also, thanks to my dad who could speak Spanish (his ability which I haven't known until last night).
** My PE class. Wow, stretching class. Time to unwind! Thankyouverymuch.
** My CWTS. I am so grateful to our instructor because she accepted us all (yes, we all) who were begging for slots. :)
** My Fil40. I was stunned to find that the professors were shuffled! The teacher that I was really dying to have was lost. And I have no other chance because I have already exhausted my AHs. Talk about luck.
** My PanPil17, so far so good. My instructor is funny and student-like. And the reading list was so pop. Cute.
** My 11. Our class was mostly composed to freshies! And they were somewhat annoying because they were so noisy even when someone (including our prof) was talking. Oh well, they should never dare to reason out that they paid higher tuition fees so that they could do what they want anytime they want to. And oh, we were given a homework about looking for the banner news on the day of our birth. I went to the main library to check them in the periodicals, then lo and behold, I needed to use the microfilms. Haha, I was stupid because I have already forgotten how to use them. Thanks to the librarians who were really patient with me.
The AddMat was a hassle! A lot of students really had a bad time in just having their forms torn apart in the Registrar's Office. I was one of them.
Oh a lot of troubles happened this past week. I have already forgotten about most of them, thank you.
Another year ahead of me. Wow, Second year na'ko! Dapat mas masipag na ako ngayon. Oh, I sound so idealistic, don't |? :p
Oh, I just observed. The boys that I liked (like) were (are)... I saw (see) them all on TF's. I wonder what the MTh's got that they seemed (seem) so allergic to them. Haha. Incidentally, I am now keeping an eye on that boy in one of my, yes you guessed it right, TF classes. And I guess I am finally getting over him! Congratulate me! haha :D
With 3 majors, 2 GEs, 1 foreign language, 1 PE (at last!), and 1 CWTS, wow, I have 5 days of schooling. But hey, I'm happy for being a Socio major because that has been what I have wanted all along. I'm glad but that happiness isn't enough to make me studious. I remain lazy. haha
** My 114 prof didn't appear for 2 consecutive meetings. I guess he was avoiding the students asking for extra slots.
** My 101, fierce-looking. She looks tough, but she knows how to laugh too, nice.
** My Span10 prof was a genuine Spanish. He was really patient and upbeat all along (and naive too, about the class cards, grading, etc) but that didn't make things better because I couldn't really get a grip at first. Thanks to the Spanish for Beginners book that I bought. And also, thanks to my dad who could speak Spanish (his ability which I haven't known until last night).
** My PE class. Wow, stretching class. Time to unwind! Thankyouverymuch.
** My CWTS. I am so grateful to our instructor because she accepted us all (yes, we all) who were begging for slots. :)
** My Fil40. I was stunned to find that the professors were shuffled! The teacher that I was really dying to have was lost. And I have no other chance because I have already exhausted my AHs. Talk about luck.
** My PanPil17, so far so good. My instructor is funny and student-like. And the reading list was so pop. Cute.
** My 11. Our class was mostly composed to freshies! And they were somewhat annoying because they were so noisy even when someone (including our prof) was talking. Oh well, they should never dare to reason out that they paid higher tuition fees so that they could do what they want anytime they want to. And oh, we were given a homework about looking for the banner news on the day of our birth. I went to the main library to check them in the periodicals, then lo and behold, I needed to use the microfilms. Haha, I was stupid because I have already forgotten how to use them. Thanks to the librarians who were really patient with me.
The AddMat was a hassle! A lot of students really had a bad time in just having their forms torn apart in the Registrar's Office. I was one of them.
Oh a lot of troubles happened this past week. I have already forgotten about most of them, thank you.
Another year ahead of me. Wow, Second year na'ko! Dapat mas masipag na ako ngayon. Oh, I sound so idealistic, don't |? :p
Oh, I just observed. The boys that I liked (like) were (are)... I saw (see) them all on TF's. I wonder what the MTh's got that they seemed (seem) so allergic to them. Haha. Incidentally, I am now keeping an eye on that boy in one of my, yes you guessed it right, TF classes. And I guess I am finally getting over him! Congratulate me! haha :D
Friday, June 8, 2007
pls pardon my pointlessness
After reading two online journals of my friends, I knew I am on the same page as they are. This thing called love? We're almost there, but we just couldn't be there. Oh well, that's how things go.
Call me crazy or stupid, but you just won't get it. I kept it all inside, thank God I survived. It has been a tough semester for me, the second semester, that is. (Oh gosh, as if on cue, that song he was fond of singing starts to play on my eardrums.) It was bittersweet, actually. With all the happy times, I couldn't feel better. But with all the mixed signals he sent and all the missent ones, I couldn't be totally happy, right? Oh well, you don't have to agree if you don't get it.
He's one of the many reasons why I love the university. A lot of places remind me of him. A lot of events do too. But there are also a lot of reasons why I shouldn't think of him anymore. And I must take advantage of their presence to finally forget him. But I just couldn't. I know he's somewhere out there, beyond my peripheral vision but just there. I want to be his classmate again. I want him to be my classmate again. I want us to be classmates again. Maybe things would get better when we do. Or maybe not.
Just before I set off for the my enrollment, I wished to see him, even just his retreating back. And I did. I panicked. He's here, I muttered to myself. My heartbeat quickened. My hands went cold. My eyes grew large. And all I knew was he was there. I thought I was over him, thanks to the summer vacation which gave me the space and time to think about things. And lo and behold, he walked by and sent all my progress to the trashcan. Stupid, stupid me.
I hold myself together. I need to get a grip or else I might be stuck at this foolishness. Time to hold my breath, lift my chin up, and maintain the promise that I'm not going to bury my own grave. Yes, I am the queen of paranoia. And I know that one single smile from him is all it takes to break that promise. I should move on, ASAP.
Is that so? Maybe, maybe not. Oh gosh. I am blubbering nonsense here. Maybe everything's pointless to you. But it all makes sense to me. I don't know until when, but I hope I get to keep track of things as long as they exist.
Call me crazy or stupid, but you just won't get it. I kept it all inside, thank God I survived. It has been a tough semester for me, the second semester, that is. (Oh gosh, as if on cue, that song he was fond of singing starts to play on my eardrums.) It was bittersweet, actually. With all the happy times, I couldn't feel better. But with all the mixed signals he sent and all the missent ones, I couldn't be totally happy, right? Oh well, you don't have to agree if you don't get it.
He's one of the many reasons why I love the university. A lot of places remind me of him. A lot of events do too. But there are also a lot of reasons why I shouldn't think of him anymore. And I must take advantage of their presence to finally forget him. But I just couldn't. I know he's somewhere out there, beyond my peripheral vision but just there. I want to be his classmate again. I want him to be my classmate again. I want us to be classmates again. Maybe things would get better when we do. Or maybe not.
Just before I set off for the my enrollment, I wished to see him, even just his retreating back. And I did. I panicked. He's here, I muttered to myself. My heartbeat quickened. My hands went cold. My eyes grew large. And all I knew was he was there. I thought I was over him, thanks to the summer vacation which gave me the space and time to think about things. And lo and behold, he walked by and sent all my progress to the trashcan. Stupid, stupid me.
I hold myself together. I need to get a grip or else I might be stuck at this foolishness. Time to hold my breath, lift my chin up, and maintain the promise that I'm not going to bury my own grave. Yes, I am the queen of paranoia. And I know that one single smile from him is all it takes to break that promise. I should move on, ASAP.
Is that so? Maybe, maybe not. Oh gosh. I am blubbering nonsense here. Maybe everything's pointless to you. But it all makes sense to me. I don't know until when, but I hope I get to keep track of things as long as they exist.
welcome, oh-seven-oh-eight!
Wow. It's official. I'm now a BA Sociology major. Yey. I thought it was just a wishful dream when I took Socio 10 two semesters ago and loved it.
I was officially enrolled two days ago (sorry, I was too lazy and overwhelmed to update this journal). I was and still am happy. In spite of my aching legs due to overwalking, oh well, I am thrilled to finally be a part of the Socio people. :)
And oh. I saw him. I was too overwhelmed to think. I shouldn't have called his name and said hi. I should have ignored him. I should have let him walk away. But stupid me. The next thing I knew, I was calling him and smiling. Yeah right. I was foolish. Now, I couldn't let go of the moment. Oh well. Now I'm back to phase1 of this I-should-forget-about-him agenda. Stupid stupid stupid.
But still, I am happy to have spent the enrollment with my (ex-)blockmates Pia and Charles. We were really laughing and joking around. The heat of the sun was exhausting plus the pressure of finding subjects, but the bonding moments were greater than the tiresome adventures. :)
I couldn't write anything more. Classes start on Tuesday. *sigh* I bet I would have Lots (with a capital L) of readings and papers to do. What, with my 3 major subjects plus 2 Arts & Humanities subjects. Oh well. I wish to have a PE to at least give me time to unwind. *sigh again*
Have a great year ahead of you! May we pass all our subjects and keep our spirits at all times (we should!). Good luck to us! We can conquer the university that's weighing us down (with tasks, that is)! :)
Saturday, June 2, 2007
oh well. not so well.
I was busy being happy lately. Oh well, with all the world taken off my shoulders. Wow. I miss the feeling.
But still, I couldn't feel nice all over. There would always be that empty space on one corner of my life that has never been filled in. And I mean never. Never had that feeling of security with another person. I have always been alone. Not that I hate being single, but really, with the things that I am carrying within me, I could do better with someone. And to be a part of someone else's burden would be great. Being loved is something. Reciprocation is something else.
I stumbled upon my friend Izy's blog and read this lines:
Really worth quoting. She put it the way I couldn't say (or I couldn't admit). It's just that, when you know that there's someone out there. You don't have to say anything, but he'll know. Okay, that's too idealistic. What I mean is, you say so little yet he understands a lot. And he doesn't have to do anything drastic to make you feel loved; just being there matters a lot.
Haaaayy. I miss him. And I couldn't see him anymore. He wouldn't respond to my SMS. So I resolved to not bug him. Whatever.
I should get over him. Soon.
But for now... I still miss him. And maybe, I wouldn't stop missing him. He really is different. But I couldn't do anything. He's too far off me.
I know I've done some things that sabotaged our should-have-been's. And maybe if I didn't staged them, we might have been in a better phase. I don't know. I panicked. And I was paranoid. I was also afraid at the same time. Sorry. My bad. It was my fault. Stupid me.
But too late. The harm's been done. And he's so far away. I couldn't correct them now because I don't even know if he felt something that time. The situation was really ambiguous as I tried to read it then. But really... all those nice things he did to me (and to me alone) were something. And I was this queen of paranoia who noticed everything. And I tried to interpret the signs, his signs. And I kept asking if they are really signs. But until now, I don't know what they are.
I want to see him badly, but don't want to at the same time. I want to reminisce about our sweet nothings, but hate to remember his cold treatment. I want to talk to him, but don't want to hear his uninterested grunts. Whatever. I am torn between inspiration and despair. Sucks. It doesn't have to be this way.
I really don't know how to end this entry. But I guess it has to end now. Everything's so vague. And I guess, it's really God who knows the truth. If I'm ever going to know about it, I don't know.
But still, I couldn't feel nice all over. There would always be that empty space on one corner of my life that has never been filled in. And I mean never. Never had that feeling of security with another person. I have always been alone. Not that I hate being single, but really, with the things that I am carrying within me, I could do better with someone. And to be a part of someone else's burden would be great. Being loved is something. Reciprocation is something else.
I stumbled upon my friend Izy's blog and read this lines:
"i wish i had someone to share my whole life with already. i wish i'd have something definite. something i can at least hold on to.. something i can pretty much depend on, that won't change. with everything that's happening, it's the only thing i know i can look forward to.. and that'll help me survive. so.. just wishful thinking."
Really worth quoting. She put it the way I couldn't say (or I couldn't admit). It's just that, when you know that there's someone out there. You don't have to say anything, but he'll know. Okay, that's too idealistic. What I mean is, you say so little yet he understands a lot. And he doesn't have to do anything drastic to make you feel loved; just being there matters a lot.
Haaaayy. I miss him. And I couldn't see him anymore. He wouldn't respond to my SMS. So I resolved to not bug him. Whatever.
I should get over him. Soon.
But for now... I still miss him. And maybe, I wouldn't stop missing him. He really is different. But I couldn't do anything. He's too far off me.
I know I've done some things that sabotaged our should-have-been's. And maybe if I didn't staged them, we might have been in a better phase. I don't know. I panicked. And I was paranoid. I was also afraid at the same time. Sorry. My bad. It was my fault. Stupid me.
But too late. The harm's been done. And he's so far away. I couldn't correct them now because I don't even know if he felt something that time. The situation was really ambiguous as I tried to read it then. But really... all those nice things he did to me (and to me alone) were something. And I was this queen of paranoia who noticed everything. And I tried to interpret the signs, his signs. And I kept asking if they are really signs. But until now, I don't know what they are.
I want to see him badly, but don't want to at the same time. I want to reminisce about our sweet nothings, but hate to remember his cold treatment. I want to talk to him, but don't want to hear his uninterested grunts. Whatever. I am torn between inspiration and despair. Sucks. It doesn't have to be this way.
I really don't know how to end this entry. But I guess it has to end now. Everything's so vague. And I guess, it's really God who knows the truth. If I'm ever going to know about it, I don't know.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
