blue-ness.

I came home to Cavite today feeling okay, but now, I feel, I dunno... sad.

My mother told me that the baby of one of our neighbors died last week. And I was deeply sad, that I fought back tears when we were talking about it. But really, the news was devastating.

The child was a blue baby. Have you heard of them? They are those unfortunate children born with weak hearts that couldn't pump enough blood through the course of their bodies, giving their lips and nails a bluish tinge (hence the term "blue" baby). The case is considered one-in-a-million by doctors and maybe, that unfortunate one is our neighbor.

The baby's mother was just a teenager when she gave birth to him. And the doctors said that maybe the fact that her body hadn't developed yet at that time gave way to the complication with her son. That's one sad fact. Another one is that the father didn't stood up for his son, and just let the girl carry on with the pregnancy alone.

Since the baby had a congenital problem, the doctors predicted that he could live until he is a year and a half. But he survived until he was 3 years and 7 months. That was really a blessing! But still, I was frowning over the thought that the child had lived until the time when he could recognize pain as it is and learn to be attached with the people around him. It was really sad.

The baby had never been able to grow physically according to his age. He looked like a 1-year-old child when his real age is two years more than that. He had never learned to walk or even stand because his legs and feet couldn't support his body. He was always in a stroller when he was out of the house. And the elders couldn't carry him for long periods of time because parts of his body hurt when pressed against others'. But in spite of all of those, he had a smart mind and a really cheerful attitude. He would wave at people he knew and would smile a lot. And that's a really positive outlook that we should all appreciate.

He was well when this year started. Problems started to occur when the changes in temperature bothered us. He started having colds and fever, which were really being avoided by his family to happen to him since he had a not-so-good immune system. But still the fluctuations in the weather couldn't be escaped from. He was confined in the hospital for a month, but after that, the doctors advised the mother to bring him home since they can do no better for him anymore. For two more weeks, he remained half-awake, weak, and immobile. But after that, on April 22, 2007, he was taken away from this world.

I didn't have the chance to go to his wake because I have classes and he was buried yesterday. But my mom told me that the child looked like a real baby in his coffin. Dressed with a long-sleeved shirt, you wouldn't see his bluish nails, but you cannot deny his blue lips. But on either side of his hands were small figures of Barney and of a bear. I don't know why, but that made me teary-eyed. He seemed a really nice, kind, happy boy. And I don't think he deserved that problem. Maybe his parents aren't married or that he was conceived "illegally", but still, he was innocent about those. He deserved to live. He could have ran around. He could have gone to school. He could have met other children. He could have gone to college then find a good career. He could have made his family proud. He could have had his own family... But no. He is now gone.

The story touched me a lot and made me realize how lucky I am to have a normal life. I realized that, quoting Stephen Chbosky in his book, The Perks of Being a Wallflower, people really have it worse, but that doesn't change what I have, good or bad. (or something like that). But really. He was too young to die. He was too young to suffer that much.

And from now on, I should learn to live my life better that I did before. Life is too short and the future is uncertain. I shall utilize and appreciate life to its fullest potential. I only got one life, and I should not waste it.

You should not waste yours too.

infatuated

I am lost

In your words,

In your eyes;

So mesmerized

By the way you speak,

The way you fool around,

The way you smile…

But I have to catch myself from this fall

Coz I know that everything…

You and me,

Us…

Are just in my mind,

And would forever stay that way

For I know

You’ll never come around,

Never be there,

Never be mine

As I have known it all along

Ever since I laid my eyes on you

That this feeling would soon

Fade away,

And just die,

Without you having to know

About it all.

Been to hell and back

I am being swallowed whole by doom. Yes, I am. You can call be pessimistic, negative, hopeless, or whatever word you might think of, but really, the way this day had turned out... hell.

First, I spent the whole day trying to enlist the subjects that I need for my summer classes. But did I get any? No. The whole online enlistment thing was really a mess, and we, the enrollees of this summer term are the guinea pigs. The whole process is a test if this system would work, for future enrollments. And I could say that if they want to stick to this policy, they must improve their service. The system had been down several times the whole day, and the pages wouldn't load in time. Wow. They say this is catching up with the latest in technology? Well, I must say that the old ways do still work and are still better.

Second, I didn't get my expected grades for 2 of my subjects. And I believe that I did my best for both of them. Teachers can really be unpredictable.

Third, I almost inquired to another college about their requirements for shifting, but due to the overwhelming span of time I spent in front of a computer monitor for the online enlistment, I opened that college's site for their curriculum. And I found out that I am short of just one unit to their desired number of 33. Sucks.

So due to panic, I decided to get an application form from another college (a different one), of which I haven't really thought of applying into. I just applied to a single degree program (my top priority), but the chance of being accepted is pretty unpredictable. And I am really anxious of being a non-major in the 2nd sem in case I wouldn't be accepted to any course that I have applied to. I couldn't just let that happen. But that is beyond my control.

All of those and more. I am physically, emotionally, psychologically, and all... exhausted. I don't know where my life is going to. I started my college life with a bang, and I am ending my first year with barely a whimper.

I had my college plans outlined in my mind, their gears ready to turn. But now, they are falling apart. I have lost that vision of my future. I don't know where I am going from here. I am so lost.

All my batchmates in high school are safe in their schools, waiting for their bright futures to unfold. I used to be somewhere ahead of them, but now, I am falling behind. I try to console myself with "UP naman ako e, sila hindi..." But it doesn't really make a difference. They would most likely graduate on time, and I would be left behind. I usually had the brightest future ahead, but now its merely a faint spark. I am so negative, I admit. But I just don't want to fool myself that things are going to be all right when they, in truth, are really unpredictable.

I wish that things would get better soon. I hope the prerog system is still up, or else my supposed to be summer classes would be killed. I hope I get accepted into my degree of choice. I hope the enrollment for the 1st sem would be better. I hope to see some light for my future.

Please pray for my petitions. Have mercy to this pathetic, hopeless soul. You would be whole-heartedly thanked and deeply appreciated. Thankyouverymuch.

I hate you, CRS!

Who the hell created this plan of making enlistment online? This virtual pila, as my friend has coined, is really causing my head to ache. And this isn't funny!

And though I have accessed into the site, the links keep on giving errors as results. Talk about technology, huh? And when I have already logged in, the page for enlistment itself wouldn't load properly.

I am beginning to feel sick... If this wouldn't fix itself in the next 48 hours, I might just quit dreaming in attending summer classes. But if I would not take these subjects this vacation, my first semester would be too jammed pack and I might not even have time to breathe enough air.

I still am not sure if I would be accepted to my course of choice because until now, I have not passed my application forms. My 2nd sem grades are still not available, and they are a part of the requirements. Talk about luck.

Summer is supposed to be fun, right? But it is almost ruined. Great.

between april and december... :(

My sister had just left for Singapore, and I already miss her. She flew out yesterday afternoon, and would be back in December. December's not too far away, but still the remaining months wouldn't be the same as they used to be in the previous years. I would miss her.

Yesterday morning, as our car was approaching the curve leading to the departure area of the airport, I felt like crying. But I fought my tears away through looking out of the window, and pretending to take pictures of ourselves. Everyone else were indifferent. I had held it all inside until the sadness had ceased a bit. But as she rode out of the car and loaded her baggages down, I knew that there was no turning back. I felt like crying, really. But she was smiling from ear to ear, and I didn't want to ruin her mood. Or so I thought.

She sent me a text message a few minutes later, telling me how sad she felt. I thought she was really happy, but she felt how I felt.

Over lunch back at home, I told our Dad when we came home about my almost outbreak. At first he said nothing, but when he spoke, he wouldn't look at me as his voice broke a bit. And then, I knew that I was not alone with my sadness.

I missed her, still miss her, and will miss her until she goes back home. We all will.