pls pardon my pointlessness

After reading two online journals of my friends, I knew I am on the same page as they are. This thing called love? We're almost there, but we just couldn't be there. Oh well, that's how things go.

Call me crazy or stupid, but you just won't get it. I kept it all inside, thank God I survived. It has been a tough semester for me, the second semester, that is. (Oh gosh, as if on cue, that song he was fond of singing starts to play on my eardrums.) It was bittersweet, actually. With all the happy times, I couldn't feel better. But with all the mixed signals he sent and all the missent ones, I couldn't be totally happy, right? Oh well, you don't have to agree if you don't get it.

He's one of the many reasons why I love the university. A lot of places remind me of him. A lot of events do too. But there are also a lot of reasons why I shouldn't think of him anymore. And I must take advantage of their presence to finally forget him. But I just couldn't. I know he's somewhere out there, beyond my peripheral vision but just there. I want to be his classmate again. I want him to be my classmate again. I want us to be classmates again. Maybe things would get better when we do. Or maybe not.

Just before I set off for the my enrollment, I wished to see him, even just his retreating back. And I did. I panicked. He's here, I muttered to myself. My heartbeat quickened. My hands went cold. My eyes grew large. And all I knew was he was there. I thought I was over him, thanks to the summer vacation which gave me the space and time to think about things. And lo and behold, he walked by and sent all my progress to the trashcan. Stupid, stupid me.

I hold myself together. I need to get a grip or else I might be stuck at this foolishness. Time to hold my breath, lift my chin up, and maintain the promise that I'm not going to bury my own grave. Yes, I am the queen of paranoia. And I know that one single smile from him is all it takes to break that promise. I should move on, ASAP.

Is that so? Maybe, maybe not. Oh gosh. I am blubbering nonsense here. Maybe everything's pointless to you. But it all makes sense to me. I don't know until when, but I hope I get to keep track of things as long as they exist.