no way out

A new haircut didn't do the trick.

Bars of chocolate didn't do so either.

I am being eaten by insecurity, that's why.

And I hate it. When she is that pretty and I am this plain. And he just couldn't see me because he is too preoccupied by her. I guess that's the toll I pay for being the friend.

in times of rain, smile!

photo credit: http://mikutashi.deviantart.com

Deadlines on the way, both in my acads and in my orgs. Gesh.

Thank you na lang kasi kahit paano, inspired ako. I still get a hang off my burdens. Though it is nothing serious, I still am happy. Nothing beats the feeling that someone is fond of you out there and seeing him is cool. I mean, you can laugh out loud when you're together and talk about almost everything. Though sometimes he tells you things you don't want to know (or more of, to hear), it still is good to have that someone. And hanging out is fun. And it takes the pressure off your mind even for just a while.

I just hope this is something I wouldn't be paranoid about a few days or months from now. Heck, we still got a lot of things to know about each other (and it is great when he remembers the things you tell him, even the small ones). And I guess those would be great topics for our future discussions, apart from the usual ones that we talk about. It's amazing that he is smart and outspoken, and I learn a lot from him. I know it's capitalistic for me to think of it this way, but I guess I like him because he is nice to me and he makes me feel giddy. Shucks, returns oriented. Sorry.

But whatever. I am happy nowadays and I hope that things would continue being this way. I just wish my acads would be as good as my social circle is.

:)

PS: It is raining hard outside (as far as I can hear from here) and I have no umbrella. So basically, I am stuck here in the netshop. Roommates! Sunduin niyo ako! Haha :D

because we all say this:

photo credit: http://isip-bata.deviantart.com

Does apply for all ages, doesn't it?

friends for(n)evermore

... but after all, you can't come to the shore with just anybody and you can't come by yourself, and at this teen-age period in life the proper person is your best pal...

-Phineas, A Separate Peace by John Knowles

And I guess I missed most of my adolescence if I would base it here. I have friends, yes. But I don't think I have that one bestfriend whom I could call, see, or talk to anytime I want to. And I don't have enough prepaid load to contact them always. I can't just ask people to go with me anywhere; I need to practically beg for their time.

And it sucks most of the time because I just can't drag them when I need them. I just have to wait until we have the common time to meet. And the distance between us seem to widen with each event, each problem, each joy that we don't get to share. Unlike before.

I want to see them badly. My high school best friends, most especially. They were there before, but we just seemed to drift apart after graduation. Most probably because I got to go to a school far from theirs. I thought we could survive it, but no, I was wrong. We know we're friends, but it just seemed all a name now. I don't know how to reach out because they just seem to practically ignore me.

I miss high school. But sometimes, I make all the lame excuses to avoid going to parties and events with my batchmates. They mostly go to that one school, and they tell all those stories as if we, the outsiders, do not exist. The feeling of alienation is apparently there. And I just can't stir myself away from that mode. They just belong to that dimension where I can't grasp.

Maybe everything really do change after graduation. The promises friends made to each other were too frail to survive. They meet new people and just seem to put the past behind them. Maybe that's how things really should be.

I know I really sound weak. I know this isn't how I should think because I am a Sociology major. But I am saying all of these without using ideologies and perspectives consciously. But I am saying all of these as a person, as a friend. I am weak. And I hate it. I wish I just can get on with life without looking back. But I can't.

I guess I am not the person that I like to be. But what I can do?

Maybe the main problem is not who I am. Maybe it's a question of who can accept me.

Whatever.

proximity

It is a small world and I am suffocated.

coz with you i'm running somewhere i can't get through

Harry Potter's birthday was also my day.

I didn't think of it in that way that day. I just realized it yesterday morning. Oh well. Things are getting unpredictable by the minute.

I just didn't expect thing like those would happen. And I didn't realize they were happening then and there. I was just, maybe, thrilled by what was happening.

Finally, I am happy once again. I am finally over the drama. I am infatuating again. Heck, when will I ever learn?

Oh well. I'm glad I'll be seeing him in a few days' time. We'll be hanging out again. He's just so nice. And funny. And outspoken. And knows how to listen. And all.

I'm smitten. All over again.

But I cannot be very well sure by my hideous feelings. They're just as unreliable as my Panda ballpen. Will write a few words, but will die the next. Will have a burst of ink again, then will faint. Oh well.

Coz I shiver,
I just break up
When I'm near you,
It all gets out of hand
Coz I shiver,
I get bent up
There's no way that
I know you'll understand.
- Shiver, Natalie Imbruglia