friends for(n)evermore

... but after all, you can't come to the shore with just anybody and you can't come by yourself, and at this teen-age period in life the proper person is your best pal...

-Phineas, A Separate Peace by John Knowles

And I guess I missed most of my adolescence if I would base it here. I have friends, yes. But I don't think I have that one bestfriend whom I could call, see, or talk to anytime I want to. And I don't have enough prepaid load to contact them always. I can't just ask people to go with me anywhere; I need to practically beg for their time.

And it sucks most of the time because I just can't drag them when I need them. I just have to wait until we have the common time to meet. And the distance between us seem to widen with each event, each problem, each joy that we don't get to share. Unlike before.

I want to see them badly. My high school best friends, most especially. They were there before, but we just seemed to drift apart after graduation. Most probably because I got to go to a school far from theirs. I thought we could survive it, but no, I was wrong. We know we're friends, but it just seemed all a name now. I don't know how to reach out because they just seem to practically ignore me.

I miss high school. But sometimes, I make all the lame excuses to avoid going to parties and events with my batchmates. They mostly go to that one school, and they tell all those stories as if we, the outsiders, do not exist. The feeling of alienation is apparently there. And I just can't stir myself away from that mode. They just belong to that dimension where I can't grasp.

Maybe everything really do change after graduation. The promises friends made to each other were too frail to survive. They meet new people and just seem to put the past behind them. Maybe that's how things really should be.

I know I really sound weak. I know this isn't how I should think because I am a Sociology major. But I am saying all of these without using ideologies and perspectives consciously. But I am saying all of these as a person, as a friend. I am weak. And I hate it. I wish I just can get on with life without looking back. But I can't.

I guess I am not the person that I like to be. But what I can do?

Maybe the main problem is not who I am. Maybe it's a question of who can accept me.

Whatever.