hell days are here!

My head's aching now. My stomach's sick on and off for a few days now, I don't know why. Two nights ago, my stomach hurt after dinner which made me want to throw up. My roommates said that maybe it was because I dumped an energy drink and a fruit juice at the same time. Goodness. Bad timing. I drank that energy-boosting product because I had 2 articles to read and a paper to write after that, but I ended up sleeping because of my stomach ache. Waaaaah. So the following morning, I woke up early to finish reading and skipped my first class to write the reaction paper. Whew. Seemed like time was running extra fast then. And my body's not cooperating well.

Goodness gracious. It seems like the circumstances are really antagonizing me. I need to revise one of my major papers this semester (if it still is not the major), but my respondents are not available for interview! What the heck?! Thank goodness for the genius of e-mail, they can still answer my questions adequately (because text messaging is such a hassle and prepaid load doesn't come easily these days, I understand). I just hope the results would turn out fine and my final grade for the subject (which is a major one for me) would be good enough for me to be able to take a higher course. And along with that, our second long (heavy) examination is also coming up, competing with my other priorities. It's not like this is the only subject I'm taking this semester, right? I so badly want to curse right now about that, but no, I won't. That won't help. More time would, anyway. But no, I am wishing for the impossible. Moving of deadlines is no longer an option since there are only 2 weeks left before the classes end and the professors are hustling to finish the scope of their syllabi. Too bad. Sembreak should not be postponed, after all.

On the lighter side, I can now concentrate on my academics since my applications for both UP Praxis and UP Asterisk are now officially over (and I am now a member of both, yey) and our big event in UP CRAdLe is now done. I can now study and study and study. Fine fine fine, I was bluffing because that is absurd for a procrastinator like me, but really, I am trying to manage my time better now. With all the deadlines and the meetings and the reports that I am trying to juggle, I really need to reinvent my planning-ahead mode. Whew. I really need to stop my laziness. I really need to. As soon as possible. And that means NOW.

But I am really tired. But who isn't, right? That should be a bad reason for me to lag around.
But there are still a few days to go before the deadline. But there are things I need to do between now and the date of the deadline. That should remind me to work harder.
I really need to stop procrastinating.

But it really is depressing to read 258 pages of articles for my upcoming exam, which cost me P178.50 this morning when I had the required book photocopied at the UP Main Library. So so depressing that All the money that I had during that time was P260, and I still needed to go home in Cavite (and eat lunch, of course). It pained me to release that amount of money for a set of readings which are too boring and too good for my positivist professor. And still, those articles are still not complete! I still need the rest to be photocopied on Monday or else I might fail the exam. *panic attack*

Good thing I am starting to get over him, or to be exact, the confusion he causes me. Though I still think of him sometimes, some other things are keeping me preoccupied also, so his presence doesn't affect me that much. And whenever I see that girl that he said he likes, though I still am a bit bitter, I don't feel that much resentment towards her anymore. I get on with my life, they do with theirs. And everything's fine.

But still, I want to say this: Sending mixed signals is worse than sending none at all. It would be better if he would just act numb or stupid or disgusting towards me so that I could back off. But no, he remains caring, (should I say sweet?) jolly, and close to me. Fine, he seems so brotherly, but no, he seemed, I don't know, fine, sweet. Tae talaga.

Academics. I should think about academics, and academics only. I know I am almost bluffing, but truth be told, I really am trying to be a nerd. Nerds do not get affected by feelings. They think. But feelings are socially constructed according to how the society wants us to feel. And feelings are governed by our responses from the outside forces. And those responses are based on how we were brought up and socialized to conform to the standards set by the society. Blah blah blah. Now I am such a nerd, but I still have feelings. Whatever. I want to sleep now. But I need to study.

I want to burn those articles now and cancel all the deadlines. I want the sembreak to come soon. I want to rest. I want to lag around. But no. This is the price I pay for being a UP student. Damn. Yeah, prestige plus hardship. Makes me want to cry.